Readers Saught

Quick post:

I’m looking for a few fokes who can act as proofreaders/editers for the book Paul Smith and I are working on publishing (101 Kickass Things for Dad’s to Do with There Kids). We’ll hire a real editor towards the end, but we’re hoping to minimize editorial costs.

No pay – but we’d be very greatful and we’d mention you in the aknowledgements of the book.

Any takers? Please email me at

[Please note: errors in this post are intentional. It’s part of that joke – get it? But if you didn’t notice them, you might not be a good choice.]

[Additional note: the gaggle of my mother-in-law’s friends who pointed out the misused apostrophes on the book cover I posted a while ago would be ideal candidates.]

Latest News on Getting Published

You may recall the latest harrowing adventures of my quest to get my book published. I had been rejected by a publisher and then dumped by my literary agent. I wrote a blog post about it, and the response was amazing.

A friend of mine forwarded my blog to an agent he knows. This agent wrote me a long email recommending that I self publish the book.

Minutes later, a guy I work with (Paul Smith) wrote me an email. I noticed as the end of his email a web address for his personal design site: I went to the website. Check some of this shit out:




I wrote Paul immediately. I pitched the book idea to him. I explained why it would sell. I expressed how beautifully I thought his skull style would work with the idea for the book. I told him we could release this book on the iPad bookstore and the Kindle. It could be amazing. And fun.

I hit send. Then I paced around my dining room table in quick circles. 15 minutes I got a response.

“I’m in.” He said.

Then a day later, I got this:


Click the image and really get a good look at it. It’s awesome. How cool is this gonna be?

We’re shooting to have it out by the end of the year. Big marketing push for Father’s Day 2014.


As many of you know, I’ve written a book called 101 Kickass Things for Dads to do with Their Kids. The book is AWESOME. And I had a top-tier agent selling it for me. At least I did until yesterday.

A publisher reading the book rejected it. They had a similar book in the works and they were concerned about liability. So my agent wrote and said he didn’t feel he could represent me any longer based on the rejection.

This…of course…sucks.

I totally get why he dumped me. He’s spending his time working on books with best-selling authors that earn him real money. My book takes lots of work and isn’t worth dollar one without a lot of time and effort. Makes perfect sense. But it still…of course…sucks.

So if any reader out there is an agent or knows an agent, this book is a tremendous opportunity.

1)    It hits an untapped market

Dad books available now are LAME. No normal dad would be caught dead with that soft psychobabble crap. My book is badass and super fun. This book will sell.

2)    It already has publisher interest

One publisher offered to release it as an ebook and is waiting to hear back from my now ex-agent. One publisher thought it sounded great and is currently reading it. The other 2 publishers had liability concerns. Which leads me to…

3)    There are no liability concerns

I’ve sought out legal advice (thanks, Jeff) and the liability issue is a non-issue. They have books about how to skydive — if that’s not a liability issue, then my book certainly isn’t. I have also crafted a disclaimer that should clear up any issues.

4)    It’s fun as hell to read

Me and my boys tested out all these crazy idea and they were a BLAST. Jack wet his pants twice from laughing so hard when we did this stuff. Here are a few samples with photos:

Activity #37: Pimp Your Ride

Description: Think that minivan isn’t cool?

Head to the store (craft store, department store) and buy some washable paint. You’re going to want a decent amount of red, yellow, and orange. Pick up some paint brushes too (at least one for each kid).

Get your kids into ratty clothes or even bathing suits. Head outside and pimp your ride. The idea of to create some flames going from your front wheels all the way to the rear bumper. Let your kids create you a glorious inferno of red, yellow, and orange.

Then hop in and cruise around town in your awesome new ride.

Cost level: $10-$20.

Supplies required: Washable paint, paint brushes, bowl of water for rinsing.

Season: Any, but you’ll be outside. Can’t be raining or snowing either.

Odds it’ll piss your wife off: 99% — and don’t tell her you’re doing this beforehand or she’ll try to forbid you from doing it.

Important Notes:

  • A few pictures of sample paint jobs aren’t a bad idea before you start painting.
  • You might want to pick up a Motley Crew CD and crank that up for your maiden voyage around town.
  • Please note that “washable” paint is really “scrub the shit out of it and it eventually comes off” paint.


Shani was away and when I sent her this photo she called me in a frantic panic/rage/laughing fit.

Activity #101: Horrendous Portraits

Description: This one is little expensive (sorry), but it’s fun.

First go to the department store and buy a bunch of costume stuff. Buy hair gel and colored hair spray. Buy fake teeth that look awful.

Then you and your kids put on the worst clothes you can find. Mis-matched socks, plaid and stripes, different shoes, the works.

Now head the photography studio at the mall and sign up for one of those portrait sessions. Then get into costume. Make ridiculous hair, warts, black tooth, eye patches, backwards clothes – and with that pose for your portraits.

Cost level: Could be as high as $50.

Supplies required: Costume stuff for your hair, makeup, fake teeth, whatever. Bad clothes. Portrait studio.

Season: Any.

Odds it’ll piss your wife off: 80%.

Important Notes:

  • Try to find a coupon for the portrait beforehand. You can find a cheap package on line most of the time. Schedule it in advance too.
  • It’s best to go to the studio in normal clothes and do all your wardrobe and makeup on site.
  • If you’ve got the balls, give a framed photo from the shoot to your wife on Mother’s Day.


You would not have believed the looks we got walking through the mall.

Activity #14: Rubber Ball Barrage

Description: Get yourself $10 in quarters, head to a store with lots of gumball machines, and find the machine that dispenses rubber balls. Hand your quarters over to the kids and let them buy 40 rubber balls. This alone will send them into a frenzy of excitement.

Give each kid a bucket and let them put their balls in. Then head somewhere for dumping. Find a location where you can safely drop the balls from and see them hit. Make sure no one is in range, count 3, and DUMP.

The best locations I’ve found are stairwells with an open well going through the center. That way the balls don’t just hit the ground and bounce up – they hit all the different angles of the stairs and go everywhere.

If you want to take it up a notch (which I recommend), station yourself or your kids at the bottom so you are in the center of the ball barrage. It hurts a little, but boy is it exciting.

Cost level: $10.

Supplies required: Small buckets, quarters.

Season: Any.

Odds it’ll piss your wife off: 18%.

Important Notes:

  • Don’t underestimate the fun of letting your kids collect the balls too. This is not a 1-shot deal. Re-collect the balls and fire again!
  • It can sometimes be tough to find a gumball machine with rubber balls. If that’s the case you can buy them either in the toy section or party section (I guess balls are good party favors) at a department store.

Click this link to see the video of this:

All right…onward. More baseball-oriented material to follow. Although some more vacation time is upcoming too, which may mean another lag in blogging.

But let the record show that I will get this book published, and it will sell like crazy.