Parenting Ramble

Last night, Shani and I went out to dinner — and Jack came along, which was terrific. We had a lot of fun talking. And he let us know that he thought we were really good parents. That felt great (obviously).

So this morning I started jotting down things I thought we’d done well and things we’d kinda missed. Here’s what I came up with:

Stuff we didn’t do well

1) Allowance. Total fail. We tried a bunch of systems that were complicated and preachy. In the end, I could never remember if we’d paid them or not, and Alex would frequently insist that I owed him 4 weeks allowance (which I still think was a scam – so I suppose he learned something).

2) Chores. Poor. We’d assign stuff. They’d sorta do it. We wouldn’t enforce. They’d each insist it was the other one’s job. So rather than teach them responsibility, we taught them the “not my job” trick. So that didn’t work.

3) Yelling. Any time I asked them for feedback on how to be a better dad, their answer was always the same. They didn’t want me to yell so much. And I still yelled from time to time. I always felt like if I was yelling, I was losing. And I lost a decent amount.

Stuff we did well

1) Bought their time and attention. As they aged, they didn’t always want to spend time with us, but if we offered them ice cream or chicken wings or whatever, they’d go for it. We essentially bribed them. I think that was smart.

2) Played with them a lot. One of my best friends, Ben, had kids about the same time I did. He told me he’d made a rule that whenever his kids ask him to play he says yes. I adopted that rule and mostly lived it. So I played with them all the damn time.

3) Listened to my Aunt Mary. My Aunt Mary told me: “They’re going to be who they are. All you can do is make it easy or hard for them.” Damn was that good advice. You think you mold your kids, but I don’t think that’s acurate. I think you kinda get what you get. I’ve seen lots of parents really leaning in, trying pressure their kids into being something, and it makes me squirm. It feels like posturing to me. I think that’s mostly about the parent, not the kid.

4) Hiking and baseball. So…this is the big one for me. I loved hiking and baseball before they were born. So as soon as they could walk I started taking them to trails and ballgames, which honestly was an act of selfishness. I wanted to do that stuff and figured I’d get to do more of it if I brought the kids — and I was right. And then they caught the bug. Jack developed a love for baseball. Alex loves hiking. So now I have buddies to join me on my favorite things to do. I combined parenting and my hobbies. Shit, that was genius now that I think about it.

5) Have a great marriage. This is really the key. I think this one trumps them all. Shani and I are genuinely in love and we have a great time together. I think that’s the foundation for everything. The boys have a fundamental sense of security that stems from our partnership. We like each other a hell of a lot and the boys sensed that from minute one.

I surprised Shani and the boys with a Christmas present this year. I spent 2 years writing a book that told the story of our relationship. Then I paid to get it printed. I ended the book with the very idea I just mentioned.

Anyhow…there are some 5 AM musings that turned into a parenting self evaluation.

Maybe we’ll take Alex to dinner and get his feedback too. He might not be so complimentary.