I was hanging out with a few folks from work. Me and another guy started sharing stories about yelling at our kids.
“It makes me feel good to hear you say this stuff,” he said, “I read your blog and think you’re such a good dad. I figure you never yelled at your kids.”
SOO…it appears that I may have misled some readers with my charming stories about me and my boys. I may be giving a false impression here. I figured I’d let Alex tell you the truth. This is a page from a Father’s Day book he created at school:
Sweet, right? If you can’t read it, it says:
My dad always says: Take a shower or else you lose screen time Mr. and I want it done fast.
Alex’s dad doesn’t say “I love you” or “I’m happy with the person you are.” Alex’s father yells at him. And for the record, I have a MIGHTY voice. My voice is deep and booming. It’s King Kong. I can literally make windows shake when I really let loose.
So here are the times I’m most likely to yell at my boys, and a sample of the things I will yell.
–
Situation: The boys are taking forever to get ready for bed and I have something to do that night.
Me: It’s been 28 minutes! What the hell is taking so long? Every single night you have to get ready for bed – why is it like you’ve never done this before?
–
Situation: The kids don’t get out of the car. I come into the house and Shani asks, “Where are the boys?”
Me: They’re still sittin’ out on the car like morons. God only knows why. (Sticking my head out of front door.) Get out of the car, you idiots! It’s 100 degrees out here! What are you doing?
–
Situation: It’s time to take the boys to school. They are playing on the iPad and do not have their shoes on.
Me: You know the rules! You know the rules!
–
Situation: Boys come in all sweaty. Alex has been drawing with chalk on the sidewalk.
Me: Hey! Don’t go anywhere near the new couches. Right in and wash your…AHHH! Why would you possibly jump on that couch? I just asked you not to!
–
Situation: Jack’s birthday sleepover. 5 kids in a tent in the back yard. 2:14 AM.
Me: (Throwing open the bathroom window.) It’s two in the MORNING! You’re going to wake up the Albaricos! SHUT! UP! SHUUUUUTT! UUUUUP!
Whew – I’m tired just writing that. OK…here are a few more shots of my Father’s Day book.
NuckolBall 
The booming voice of Mike Nuchols. Love the sleepover one
A very well rounded dad. Love you.
Awesome, I love how much they love you. And btw, your yelling ain’t nothing. I went apeshit tonight, like psycho mommy dearest, after Cosette pooped in her pants 8x today after being potty trained for a year!
You do make me feel a little less shitty.
My wife and I have had many discussions about yelling at the kids. I do it b/c sometimes, there is no other way. While they’ll sometimes respond to good-natured-Dad, their human nature forces them occasionally to believe that if Dad’s saying it nicely, they don’t really have to listen. The other option we sometimes use is to sell the children to pharmaceutical companies for medical testing.